It all happened so fast

For such a long haul process of insurance company debacles, answering machines and more paperwork than I care to admit that I have filled out, our appointment today was anything but a process. There is a good and a bad to that. Scratch that. There is a good and a shock to that! But before we get to that, I feel like it's important to record our experience leading up to this morning.

Last night I was on Skype with two of my besties (and btw we need serious chat connection help, HA) After we finished up I got the kids ready for bed and Jackson was unusually really awake last night. So awake that it was almost 12:30am before he finally conked out.

Also playing the role of insomniac last night, 2am rolled around and I found myself tossing and turning. Staring at two little monkeys that sleep with me when our sweet Daddy is out of town for work. I finally fell asleep and got up this morning to get everyone ready. My hands were literally shaking as I was brushing my teeth, my neck was hurting and my body was stiff. Translation: I WAS STRESSED. I have known for a long time that this time would come, but today came quick.

We dropped off Hallie and off to Midtown we went. Once we got to the office, I was asking someone for help on which floor we were headed to and little did I know, my little monkey was already on the elevator and the door shut before I could stop it!!! Seriously!?! Thank goodness we were early and had some extra time, but more importantly where was my CHILD? Well... he took a trip to the 12th floor where a nurse found him and grabbed him, stuck him back on the elevator and brought him back down to the security desk before I had too much time to really PANIC. Of course Jackson was giggly and couldn't have cared less that he took a trip on his own. I was just thankful he didn't pull a typical stunt of hitting every floor in the elevator and causing a full blown search party this morning.

So, we finally head to the 14th floor for our appointment and the wait to be called back. Jackson did NOT like the office or the place so he was laying in the floor...whatever. One small comfort was he wasn't the only one laying in the floor or lingering in strange corners of the office. I'm pretty sure everyone in that waiting room today was there for something close to the same reasons we were. We finished up about 2 and a half hours later, but it seemed like five minutes. The whole appointment and time with Dr. Eastmead happened so fast, almost like your wedding day where you are there but almost out of body and before you know it your day is over and all you have is the blur of memories you created along the way.

I'll kick in the buzz kill here and say I am not quite ready to spill the beans on our appointment today. I need some time for our visit with Dr. Eastmead to sink in. I'm not sure how long it will take me to divulge it all, but we do have results. The marathon is finished, the race is over and together Jackson and I held hands leaving that office. We crossed the finish line.

Today is bitter sweet. It's the end to a long fought battle and the beginning of the rest of Jackson's life. Stay tuned for the results, but right now, I just need time.

So proud of Jackson and so happy to be his Mom. I'm a lucky lady...
~EM

It's Time.

I'm a bag of emotion today, so bear with me. I need to walk down memory lane for a minute, so grab your vino and come along. Let's rewind some years ago to May 22, 2006 at 9:54pm. After 27 hours of labor and  an emergency delivery... a 7lb. 7oz., 19.5 inches long blonde hair blue-eyed baby boy was brought into our lives forever. My Jackson. Our Jackson. One of my two sweetest blessings in my life. This photo was taken just after he was born. I can think back to that experience of delivery and let me say it was and EXPERIENCE! This isn't going to turn into a TLC Baby Story so we'll just leave that at that and just say that I am so thankful he is in this world with us and a beautiful healthy little boy. It's so crazy to me to think that day is fast approaching 7 years ago. 

I knew that day had changed my life but I don't think I ever fully understood until recently just how much God really works in mysterious ways and that ultimately, HE is in control. If anyone told me that day on May 22, 2006, that we would be where we are today, I would said they are nuts. 

What I am learning is that he is destined for so many great things. What will he be when he grows up? What mistakes will he make along the way? What will he teach us as we live life? I don't know. And I don't care today. Today I am just focusing on the present. Today is what my life is about. One day, hell, one hour at a time is all that matters to me right now.

The time has come for Jackson's neurology testing to begin tomorrow with Dr. Eastmead with the Memphis Neurology Group. The day we have waited for, for soooo long. I have heard absolutely wonderful things about him but I'm not sure I am ready for all this. I mean we have been through, denial, anger, questioning, fighting for years... not to mention the best stage of all and that is acceptance of where we are today. Acceptance of the present. And although I am at the stage of acceptance, I am scared. Tomorrow begins the downhill stretch - the final mile of the marathon we have been running for so long. I know it will be a process and I'm sure it will take time to have results, I just hope I am ready for those results. 

Does he have some form of Autism? Does he have ADHD? I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Honestly, I have no IDEA what our results will be (I have my feelings and opinion of course), but I just know one way or another I am ready to hear them or at least I hope so. I don't know what my reaction will be. I don't know what Jackson will think when we talk about it. He may not even care (and probably won't). I don't know how our family and friends will react. The tunnel of "answers" is quite dark today for me. 

Shining at the end of that tunnel is a light though. That light is Jackson. Such a loving little boy and so full of mystery and wonder. I wonder what he is thinking. We have talked about the testing a little bit because I don't what him to be so overwhelmed tomorrow, but I haven't wanted it to be all we focus on either.  

Swallowing your pride and doing what is right for your child is not easy. It's never easy to think about learning disabilities and admitting to yourself that something is just not "all there" for your perfect angel. I think that is how all parents see their kids, as perfect. I know I do. Even though he is not a Soccer MVP or coolest kid in the class, I think my kiddo is pretty awesome. 

Sometimes when you need support and help, no one can help you fill those needs if you don't let down the walls and allow your vulnerable side to show. Today my vulnerability is out there and my walls are down. I don't ask a lot from other people, I certainly don't ask for any sympathy. 

Today I am asking for a prayers. Prayers of love and support and mostly for Jackson. 

Tomorrow we will take a full load of "ammo" (aka tests, artwork, schoolwork, teachers notes, etc) to this appointment and one more thing... our angel, Jackson's Grandma Peggy. I know she will be with us and I have found myself today leaning on her for support and asking her to watch over us tomorrow. As Jackson leans all the time, today I am leaning on the power or prayer and support. I pray for answers for Jackson, no matter what the answers are, just answers. I don't know what tomorrow holds for our future, but today I'm holding his hand  and tomorrow it's downhill to that finish line!

All my love and thanks for your continued support and prayers. I can never repay the support we have received, but just know from the bottom of my being, I am truely thankful.

EM

I love you Jackson and you will be great tomorrow monkey! Love, Mom 

A Day I'll Never Forget

Just before the holiday season of 2012, a cloud of sad and somber seemed to linger I think. From the many children and adults in New Town, CT that did not survive the horrible Sandy Hook Elementary school shooting to the fallen police woman here in Memphis, it just seemed like death and sorrow was all around just before the season often referred to as "the most wonderful time of the year" was fast approaching. I'll be the first to admit that I have never had the lifelong dream of becoming a police officer, firefighter or anything involving a uniform for that matter. But I do have the upmost respect for all the people that serve our communities and wonderful country to keep us safe every day of our lives. There will never be enough thank you's or money to justify what those people give so selflessly for the greater good. 

On Friday, December 21, 2012, I was headed out to lunch to meet my hubby and Jackson. As I was driving down Germantown Parkway to meet my boys I noticed two firetrucks parked on both sided of the roads and they were raising the American flag. I wasn't sure if there was maybe going to be a Christmas parade over the weekend or something, so I just went on my way. After lunch I headed back down Germantown Parkway and soon figured out the reason that flag was flying high in the air. Traffic had come to a complete standstill, which isn't and wasn't necessarily a surprise on G'town Parkway, but that Friday it was backed up further than I could see going forward and backwards. As I sat there my first thought was there was a wreck. Ok, 15 minutes later and still hadn't moved. Starting to think it must have been a bad wreck. Then came the lights. 

I then realized what was going on. It was the beginning of the funeral procession for the fallen police woman and mother, Martoiya Lang. I rolled down my window and watched the whole thing. I have never seen so many police officers or longer funeral procession in my entire life. Motorcycle after motorcycle passed along with ambulances  and more unmarked cars than I could count went by. 

The moment was almost surreal. It's was like the whole thing went by in slow motion. People started to put their cars in park, myself included and stand outside to watch the solemn scene that was in a way "parading" by us. 

My mind was blank. All I could think about was a woman that lost her life just a week before, four children that lost their Mommy all too soon and the abundance of tissues I could see through the windows of the officers driving by. Most of them had their windows down. 

                  

As her car passed, the family cars followed behind. At that moment, I could not do a thing but cry. And by cry, I mean balling ugly cry. The moment was so sad and so real I just broke down. And I wasn't the only one. I looked around me and a lot of people were crying. I imagined those four beautiful children in a state of shock and devastation. I couldn't even begin to feel their pain. I was parked on Germantown Parkway for an entire hour before the entire procession passed. I cried the whole time.  Why I feel compelled to share this I have no idea. Maybe it's my way of paying my respects to her? A small thank you for risking her life to serve and protect only to fight the fight she ultimately lost in a terrible way. 

Maybe it was just a good dose of perspective for me? It made me so thankful for my children and my husband and my family. It reminded me that we are never guaranteed tomorrow and that we should really count our blessings every day. I know we all face our own struggles and journeys everyday, just like my sweet Jackson may be facing, but it also reminds me to be thankful that I am here to be a part of that journey and that life is so precious. Somehow all my so called "problems" seemed like nothing that day.  

I hope, pray and wish for the young Mother, officer, Martoiya Lang (who was only 32) to rest in peace and that her children will feel the love and support that I am positive they are surrounded by. 

As the procession ended and I headed back to my office, I saw the American flag flying above the road I had seen on my way to lunch. I saw them take down the flag just as I saw them hanging it up when I first started out to lunch. For some reason it just symbolized to me that everything in our life has a beginning and an end and that time moves so fast, sometimes faster than we want it to. 

Counted my blessings and prayed more times than I could count that day. Rest in peace beautiful lady and thank you for your dedication to serving others. 

Definitely a day I'll never forget...

~EM

(read more of Martoiya Lang's funeral service story here)