It's Time.

I'm a bag of emotion today, so bear with me. I need to walk down memory lane for a minute, so grab your vino and come along. Let's rewind some years ago to May 22, 2006 at 9:54pm. After 27 hours of labor and  an emergency delivery... a 7lb. 7oz., 19.5 inches long blonde hair blue-eyed baby boy was brought into our lives forever. My Jackson. Our Jackson. One of my two sweetest blessings in my life. This photo was taken just after he was born. I can think back to that experience of delivery and let me say it was and EXPERIENCE! This isn't going to turn into a TLC Baby Story so we'll just leave that at that and just say that I am so thankful he is in this world with us and a beautiful healthy little boy. It's so crazy to me to think that day is fast approaching 7 years ago. 

I knew that day had changed my life but I don't think I ever fully understood until recently just how much God really works in mysterious ways and that ultimately, HE is in control. If anyone told me that day on May 22, 2006, that we would be where we are today, I would said they are nuts. 

What I am learning is that he is destined for so many great things. What will he be when he grows up? What mistakes will he make along the way? What will he teach us as we live life? I don't know. And I don't care today. Today I am just focusing on the present. Today is what my life is about. One day, hell, one hour at a time is all that matters to me right now.

The time has come for Jackson's neurology testing to begin tomorrow with Dr. Eastmead with the Memphis Neurology Group. The day we have waited for, for soooo long. I have heard absolutely wonderful things about him but I'm not sure I am ready for all this. I mean we have been through, denial, anger, questioning, fighting for years... not to mention the best stage of all and that is acceptance of where we are today. Acceptance of the present. And although I am at the stage of acceptance, I am scared. Tomorrow begins the downhill stretch - the final mile of the marathon we have been running for so long. I know it will be a process and I'm sure it will take time to have results, I just hope I am ready for those results. 

Does he have some form of Autism? Does he have ADHD? I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Honestly, I have no IDEA what our results will be (I have my feelings and opinion of course), but I just know one way or another I am ready to hear them or at least I hope so. I don't know what my reaction will be. I don't know what Jackson will think when we talk about it. He may not even care (and probably won't). I don't know how our family and friends will react. The tunnel of "answers" is quite dark today for me. 

Shining at the end of that tunnel is a light though. That light is Jackson. Such a loving little boy and so full of mystery and wonder. I wonder what he is thinking. We have talked about the testing a little bit because I don't what him to be so overwhelmed tomorrow, but I haven't wanted it to be all we focus on either.  

Swallowing your pride and doing what is right for your child is not easy. It's never easy to think about learning disabilities and admitting to yourself that something is just not "all there" for your perfect angel. I think that is how all parents see their kids, as perfect. I know I do. Even though he is not a Soccer MVP or coolest kid in the class, I think my kiddo is pretty awesome. 

Sometimes when you need support and help, no one can help you fill those needs if you don't let down the walls and allow your vulnerable side to show. Today my vulnerability is out there and my walls are down. I don't ask a lot from other people, I certainly don't ask for any sympathy. 

Today I am asking for a prayers. Prayers of love and support and mostly for Jackson. 

Tomorrow we will take a full load of "ammo" (aka tests, artwork, schoolwork, teachers notes, etc) to this appointment and one more thing... our angel, Jackson's Grandma Peggy. I know she will be with us and I have found myself today leaning on her for support and asking her to watch over us tomorrow. As Jackson leans all the time, today I am leaning on the power or prayer and support. I pray for answers for Jackson, no matter what the answers are, just answers. I don't know what tomorrow holds for our future, but today I'm holding his hand  and tomorrow it's downhill to that finish line!

All my love and thanks for your continued support and prayers. I can never repay the support we have received, but just know from the bottom of my being, I am truely thankful.

EM

I love you Jackson and you will be great tomorrow monkey! Love, Mom 

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Holy goodness. The last few days for our country and locally in Memphis have hardly been filled with joy and the gift of giving. Unfortunately, we have been filled with sorrow and the sadness of loss. Loss of a local police officer, a mother and a friend to many. Loss of children, teachers and administrators in the ever so lively media covered aftermath of the horrific murders at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT. Might I add I have really not been watching much of the media coverage on that. I just can't bring myself to turn it on and listen to too much about it. The media continually makes references about the school shooting as the "2nd worst in history". Last time I checked, any loss of life in a school is a tragedy, no matter if it is 1 or 21. My prayers and heart definitely go out to all of those families laying their loved ones to rest. And Adam Lanza, whew that name is hard to type. What a troubled young man. Apparently he suffered from Asperger's which is so sad. I often wonder when things like this happen, what causes someone to take such extreme actions??? Just another reason for parents and the entire world to be truly educated about struggles they are facing whether it's related to mental, social or emotional causes. I can hardly even imagine what those families are feeling, especially right before the Christmas holiday. 

Speaking of being educated on those situations, I received a packet in the mail for Jackson's psychological testing in January. It's all starting to seem real and yet so surreal at the same time. I will say here lately Jackson has been doing pretty well. He is VERY EXCITED about the Christmas holiday. He gets kind of "fixated" on certain toys and things he wants and the other day at Target he was riding in the cart with an Angry Birds Star Wars Jenga game. I literally had to put it on the counter, have the clerk scan it and put it in a bag to make Jackson think we were buying it. We finished up and he was scouting out the bags for his game and started to panic because he didn't see it. (btw I'm becoming quite crafty on spur of the moment solutions for our breakdowns, ha) So I told Jackson let's go back to the counter and ask the lady that checked us out about the game. She knew that we weren't buying it and put in under the counter, bag and all, which I appreciated her going along with the "plan". So we look for the bag and I quickly told Jackson, "Oh my goodness Jackson, Santa must have come and picked it up to put it in his sleigh for you for Christmas. No wonder we can't find it!" He looked at me and replied, "That sneaky Santa!" Ahhhhh ha! Yes! He totally bought it and the breakdown was minimal! WHEW, that was a close one! So we left and everyday since he's been talking about that game and that Santa better not let him down, kinda deep there but I know what he means! (Thank goodness that's what his Godmother got him for Christmas so he can make sure he gets the gift! Thanks Aunt Kim!) 

Our wonderful teacher Ms. Beth! Love her!

School has also been going pretty well. He has had good behavior for the most part and we have been working for about 3 weeks on memorizing his line for his Christmas program. Last night we went to see the program at the school and I was a little nervous that he would not say his line. For the last three years he has never participated in his Christmas programs. Instead he has stood there like a statue, completely not interested and did not act the least bit phased by not participating. I have the video to prove it. 

Ms. Beth's Assistant teacher, Ms. Wendy! We love her too!

So fingers and toes crossed, my Christmas wish was that he would just say his line when it came time. I knew he probably wouldn't sing (he's not big on that) but if he would just say the line, I'd consider that a win. The program got started and the time came. I think I stopped breathing for a minute... HE SAID IT! He didn't even flinch! And when that microphone came to his mouth he said, "And Joseph put Mary on a donkey and they went to Bethlehem". (Whoooooo!) Cue Mommy tearing up. I was trying to video, cry, clap, smile... haha. I have never been so proud of Jackson. He had been saying all week he din't want to do his line, so when he did it I was so happy to hear that line! Never mind that his teacher told me after the program that there was a bit of "compromise" (aka bribery) involved if he would say his line. I don't care, whatever it takes. I know other parents can relate to that. You pick your battles and sometimes you have to give a little incentive to get a little performance and that's what we got!  

                                   Jackson and Grandpa                                                Jack & Sister Yosefa

 

I felt I like Jackson had a "tiny Tim" moment last night. Against the odds of him saying his line, he felt the love and support of Mommy and Daddy, Hallie, Grandpa and Nona and Uncle Derek and Aunt Katie there to support him along with his teachers and classmates. He beat the odds! So, recapping the "performance of his life" here's my little monkey saying his line at his Kindergarten program and some pictures from las night. 

                                        I love hearing this little line! So proud of my monkey!

Looking forward to spending time with my family and hugging my kids countless times over this Christmas holiday. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season and as Tiny Tim would say... 

"God Bless us, Every One"

With Love,
~EM

You Can't Have That

Ever heard the words "you can't have that"? It's like finding the perfect pair of heels only to flip them over and see just how many 00000's are behind the $ sign on the tag. Shattered dreams.....

So okay, you recover and your on to the next thing. What about repeatedly being told "you can't have that"? That's a whole other story. It's hard enough to process things you can't have (for whatever reason), let alone when you process things a little differently and are told those 4 yucky words. Which leads me to my point. Yes, there is a point here. Ha! I know there are tons of allergies out there with our kids, our own allergies, etc but do you live with one? Do you stare at food labels and read them like a hawk? Well, I do. 

Jackson is allergic to tree nuts. What are those.... well anything like your pine nuts, walnuts, almonds, cashews (especially those little half moon suckers!) and others. But he can have peanuts (for now). Anything that can potentially contain tree nuts, he cannot have. If you have ever been to an allergist you know that little porcupine looking gadget that poke your back with?? Yeah, it has traces of the elements on it when they are testing you for an allergy. Jackson blew up like a balloon before the nurse could even get finished and get out of the room. Cue the epi pen epidemic!!! We have SIX of those suckers! One at school, one at home, one in my purse (always), two back ups, and one that travels in an overnight bathroom bag in case he spends the night anywhere without me and John. 

We figured out this lovely "allergy" a couple of years ago, thankfully at a graduation party for our friend Patrick who just so happened to be graduating as a NURSE! So lots of medical people were on hand at the time we tasted the lovely cashew that caused Jackson to blow up like a balloon. He didn't even look like himself he was so swollen. Long story short here....luckily, with the medical folks there, a police officer and a whole heck of a lot of benadryl, we had him under control pretty quickly actually. (Mr. Cop was trying to pull me over for speeding down Poplar in Germantown, until I rolled down the window and he saw Jackson's face and became our escort instead, hehhehehe I won that one Mr. Po-Po!). But seriously, whew! 

Looking back on that night, it was really scary to see him so swollen! But now we check everything. I had no idea how many foods are made with tree nuts or manufactured in places that touch tree nuts. RIDICULOUS. Especially the good stuff like cookies, muffins, cakes, etc. So last night we were ready to make some cookies from our cookie dough I ordered as part of a school fundraiser. Then I read the label. Yep, you guessed it.... so I delivered the news to Jackson that we can't make those cookies because they have tree nuts in them. Commence breakdown. Hurry Mom, plan B, you need a plan B. Ok, other cookies. No other cookies in the house (of course not, that would be way to easy). So with my crying little man, I offered for us to make muffins. Which I'll insert here, DARN you Hostess! They were pretty much the only ones with the mini muffins pre-packaged without tree nuts! So, I got some other muffin mix sans tree nuts so we could make our own. I offered to let Jackson do all the mixing and make his own. Problem starting to divert! We are working with him on his adaptive behavior skills (you can read about that  here). So I thought if he could try to make these on his own he would feel a great sense of accomplishment, have something sweet to eat, and it's even better for you than cookies! I've lost count on my win win's with this one. LOL

To most kids making cupcakes, etc is cool when you are little but as they get older they are just more interested in eating them, than the whole baking/kitchen labor part. But Jackson was so excited to make his muffins last night and I let him do the majority of the work on his own! He only got upset once or twice with the mix "missing" the mini cup on the pan. (he likes things neat, not outside the lines, so muffin mix on top of the pan will not do for him) But I gave him a napkin and showed him how to clean it up and try to move on and not "obsess" over a little spill. He did pretty good with it! He even set the timer on the oven (he's obsessed with the "countdown" of timers) and then put his hand in the oven mit with mine so we could take out the muffins together. I gave him a toothpick to "stab" the muffins so he could get them out of the pan without burning himself and put them on a cooling rack. 

Super excited and so proud of himself he asked to call Grams (aka my mom) and tell her all about them. (He rarely asks to call people on the phone and usually has to be prompted or helped with his phone conversations on how to respond, so the fact that he wanted to call was so awesome!) He was so happy that he had done it. You wanna know what making muffins really means in Jackson language? That means with a lot of practice and help, he has the will to do better. That means he understands what it feels like to succeed. That means my little monkey can improve in everything he does and there is no limit to what he can do. Of course it takes an entire post about allergies, muffins and yelling at Hostess to get me to the "read between the lines" message here, but my point is just because "you can't have that" doesn't mean you can't have something else that's even better that what you wanted to begin with.

Hanging my hat on a HUGE hanger of success for this one. And my little superhero being super proud of himself... I can't do  much better than that. 

~EM