Just When you Least Expect It

Words. Ohhhh the words. I can't find them. I've had a mean case of writer's block this past week (maybe by inadvertent choice to some degree) But I need to find them. I have been searching for them all week. Multiple times I have thought I was ready to write it all out. A thought or two will come to my mind and I think about writing it down, but end up forgetting the thought 10 minutes later. A good indication I wasn't ready to say what I'm thinking or feeling.  I've wanted to put it all on "paper", but I haven't been ready. Today, I'm trying to be ready. Since our last appointment on January 10th, our lives have changed forever.

The whole idea of "for better or worse" at the alter on the day you marry your best friend never includes the fine print of life. Today I'm living the fine print. All the things that no one tells you will be part of your marriage or life together. All the things that no one can predict or guarantee from day to day. That's where I find myself right now. The best part? I AM NOT ALONE. Because "for better or worse" I have the best man by my side. My partner in crime, my partner in love, my partner for life. 

And with that partnership comes this post. Together. I usually write all of these myself, but today I need my other half to help me. So here we go...

Sitting here in tears, the both of us, John and I write to you. To say thank you for your support. To say thank you for your continued love. To say thank you for reminding us that WE are not alone. A dear friend of John's told him this past week, "God never gives you more than you can handle". Those words are so true. As people we all handle life's trials and tribulations in our own ways, we all react and process differently. That's what makes us who we are. That's what makes Jackson who he is. 

Going in with the expectation of "every appointment is a waiting game" I had no idea we were going to leave there with answers that same cold day on January 10. The neurologist asked me what I thought Jackson had. My reply, "Oh, I don't know" He said, "Yes you do, now tell me." I said, "I think he is somewhere on the autism spectrum and maybe some form of ADD. He replied, "You would be correct". 

His words, "Jackson has Autism. ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder)-High functioning. (but he didn't stop there) He also has ADHD, OCD tendencies and Asperger's". Holy Sh*t. Didn't see all that coming. (I know Aspergers is commonly known as a form of autism, but our neurologist told us it will soon become a completely separate diagnosis away from the autism spectrum all together and Jackson has all the signs of both, independently and together all in one, but we'll sift through those details in another post). As Jackson and I left the office with reading materials, appointment slips, a prescription paper and more appointments scheduled, I felt frozen. Frozen in that moment. How long have we waited for someone to tell us what we have felt for so long. And how does it feel now that I not only am I hearing it, but it's on paper. I sat in the car for about 10 minutes in complete silence staring at that paper before I called John to tell him. I felt relief, I felt overwhelmed and I felt scared. 

(John's beginning) We have been keeping this very quiet since that day only telling our immediate family and a couple of very close friends.  Not being quite ready to reveal this to all of our other friends, coworkers, extended family, we have been coming to grips that we have a SPECIAL needs son.  The reality of the situation is still sinking in, but we need to be open about our feelings so we can properly handle the situation going forward.  Jackson is SPECIAL.  I mean that in every way possible.  He is truly remarkable.  He makes us laugh hysterically, cry, angry, frustrated & happy.  He is exceptional at memorizing movie lines (gets that from good ole Dad), putting together puzzles (thanks Mom), painting (well, art in general), loves sports, working electronics (future engineer, maybe??), giving the best hugs, and so much more.  It is our purpose in life to make sure that he is given every opportunity to maximize his enormous potential.  Thanks to my best friend and loving wife, Jackson has already starting down this path.  I don't know what I would do without her leading the way with all of the testing and therapy Jackson has undergone up until this point.  There will be more therapy going forward, and we are convinced that this will all pay off in the end.  Speech, Occupational, & Behavioral Therapies are just the starters, but we are so fortunate to have some great people to work with at the Dr. offices and at Jackson's school. 

It is such a relief that we finally have answers (some not surprising, others a little surprising).  For example, I didn't think Jackson would have Aspergers (neither did Ericka), but the more that I have read into it, the more it makes sense.  While I'm sure that we will have more ups and downs along Jackson's path, it just reminds us that we are blessed with such a sweet, caring, lovable son.  As a dad, you never want to have your son/daughter go through anything too trying at a young age as it is hard to comprehend/deal with later in life, but with Jackson, he processes things much different than most the rest of us, and I think he is completely oblivious that his path will appear much different than his friends.  In a way, I think this is a really good thing.  I don't want him feeling "different" than everyone else.  There is a difference between "knowing" you're different and "feeling" different.  

Okay, going to be protective dad here for a minute.  My biggest fear is that other kids will tease/make fun of Jackson through life because he is different or because he reacts to situations completely different than them.  But even more importantly, I don't want Jackson to lose any self-confidence.  There is a time in our lives when we feel like we can "do anything" "be anyone" we want to be, and I don't want Jackson to use his hardships as an out, but rather, I want him to own his uniqueness and channel it to being the best he can be.  I know he has all the potential in the world, and as parents, we plan to give him all the tools necessary to get to the top of the mountain. (John's done typing now, lol)

So, there you have it. Feeling as though our journey has been going on forever (because it HAS), our journey is just beginning. Just when we least expected it, we have answers, just when we least expected it, we are ready to finally put it all out there today. Our story will continue and I hope that through this experience with our little superhero we can inspire you to share our story with other people and to always fight for your children and to stand by them through every part of their lives. Thank you to my amazing husband, who agreed to put some of his thoughts in this post. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part" my friend.

Blessed are you who take the time to listen to difficult speech,
If I persevere, I can be understood.

Blessed are you who never bid me to "hurry up"
Or take my tasks from me and do them for me.
For I often need time, rather than help.

Blessed are you who stand beside me as I enter new and untried ventures, Myself and You.

Blessed are you who ask for my help.
For my greatest need is to be needed.

Blessed are you who, with a smile encourage me to try once more.

Blessed are you who never remind me
That today I ask the same question twice.

Blessed are you who respect me and love me just as I am.

-Author Unknown 

To our sweet Jackson: We will stand by you forever. You amaze us everyday. We love you.

~EM

It all happened so fast

For such a long haul process of insurance company debacles, answering machines and more paperwork than I care to admit that I have filled out, our appointment today was anything but a process. There is a good and a bad to that. Scratch that. There is a good and a shock to that! But before we get to that, I feel like it's important to record our experience leading up to this morning.

Last night I was on Skype with two of my besties (and btw we need serious chat connection help, HA) After we finished up I got the kids ready for bed and Jackson was unusually really awake last night. So awake that it was almost 12:30am before he finally conked out.

Also playing the role of insomniac last night, 2am rolled around and I found myself tossing and turning. Staring at two little monkeys that sleep with me when our sweet Daddy is out of town for work. I finally fell asleep and got up this morning to get everyone ready. My hands were literally shaking as I was brushing my teeth, my neck was hurting and my body was stiff. Translation: I WAS STRESSED. I have known for a long time that this time would come, but today came quick.

We dropped off Hallie and off to Midtown we went. Once we got to the office, I was asking someone for help on which floor we were headed to and little did I know, my little monkey was already on the elevator and the door shut before I could stop it!!! Seriously!?! Thank goodness we were early and had some extra time, but more importantly where was my CHILD? Well... he took a trip to the 12th floor where a nurse found him and grabbed him, stuck him back on the elevator and brought him back down to the security desk before I had too much time to really PANIC. Of course Jackson was giggly and couldn't have cared less that he took a trip on his own. I was just thankful he didn't pull a typical stunt of hitting every floor in the elevator and causing a full blown search party this morning.

So, we finally head to the 14th floor for our appointment and the wait to be called back. Jackson did NOT like the office or the place so he was laying in the floor...whatever. One small comfort was he wasn't the only one laying in the floor or lingering in strange corners of the office. I'm pretty sure everyone in that waiting room today was there for something close to the same reasons we were. We finished up about 2 and a half hours later, but it seemed like five minutes. The whole appointment and time with Dr. Eastmead happened so fast, almost like your wedding day where you are there but almost out of body and before you know it your day is over and all you have is the blur of memories you created along the way.

I'll kick in the buzz kill here and say I am not quite ready to spill the beans on our appointment today. I need some time for our visit with Dr. Eastmead to sink in. I'm not sure how long it will take me to divulge it all, but we do have results. The marathon is finished, the race is over and together Jackson and I held hands leaving that office. We crossed the finish line.

Today is bitter sweet. It's the end to a long fought battle and the beginning of the rest of Jackson's life. Stay tuned for the results, but right now, I just need time.

So proud of Jackson and so happy to be his Mom. I'm a lucky lady...
~EM

It's Time.

I'm a bag of emotion today, so bear with me. I need to walk down memory lane for a minute, so grab your vino and come along. Let's rewind some years ago to May 22, 2006 at 9:54pm. After 27 hours of labor and  an emergency delivery... a 7lb. 7oz., 19.5 inches long blonde hair blue-eyed baby boy was brought into our lives forever. My Jackson. Our Jackson. One of my two sweetest blessings in my life. This photo was taken just after he was born. I can think back to that experience of delivery and let me say it was and EXPERIENCE! This isn't going to turn into a TLC Baby Story so we'll just leave that at that and just say that I am so thankful he is in this world with us and a beautiful healthy little boy. It's so crazy to me to think that day is fast approaching 7 years ago. 

I knew that day had changed my life but I don't think I ever fully understood until recently just how much God really works in mysterious ways and that ultimately, HE is in control. If anyone told me that day on May 22, 2006, that we would be where we are today, I would said they are nuts. 

What I am learning is that he is destined for so many great things. What will he be when he grows up? What mistakes will he make along the way? What will he teach us as we live life? I don't know. And I don't care today. Today I am just focusing on the present. Today is what my life is about. One day, hell, one hour at a time is all that matters to me right now.

The time has come for Jackson's neurology testing to begin tomorrow with Dr. Eastmead with the Memphis Neurology Group. The day we have waited for, for soooo long. I have heard absolutely wonderful things about him but I'm not sure I am ready for all this. I mean we have been through, denial, anger, questioning, fighting for years... not to mention the best stage of all and that is acceptance of where we are today. Acceptance of the present. And although I am at the stage of acceptance, I am scared. Tomorrow begins the downhill stretch - the final mile of the marathon we have been running for so long. I know it will be a process and I'm sure it will take time to have results, I just hope I am ready for those results. 

Does he have some form of Autism? Does he have ADHD? I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Honestly, I have no IDEA what our results will be (I have my feelings and opinion of course), but I just know one way or another I am ready to hear them or at least I hope so. I don't know what my reaction will be. I don't know what Jackson will think when we talk about it. He may not even care (and probably won't). I don't know how our family and friends will react. The tunnel of "answers" is quite dark today for me. 

Shining at the end of that tunnel is a light though. That light is Jackson. Such a loving little boy and so full of mystery and wonder. I wonder what he is thinking. We have talked about the testing a little bit because I don't what him to be so overwhelmed tomorrow, but I haven't wanted it to be all we focus on either.  

Swallowing your pride and doing what is right for your child is not easy. It's never easy to think about learning disabilities and admitting to yourself that something is just not "all there" for your perfect angel. I think that is how all parents see their kids, as perfect. I know I do. Even though he is not a Soccer MVP or coolest kid in the class, I think my kiddo is pretty awesome. 

Sometimes when you need support and help, no one can help you fill those needs if you don't let down the walls and allow your vulnerable side to show. Today my vulnerability is out there and my walls are down. I don't ask a lot from other people, I certainly don't ask for any sympathy. 

Today I am asking for a prayers. Prayers of love and support and mostly for Jackson. 

Tomorrow we will take a full load of "ammo" (aka tests, artwork, schoolwork, teachers notes, etc) to this appointment and one more thing... our angel, Jackson's Grandma Peggy. I know she will be with us and I have found myself today leaning on her for support and asking her to watch over us tomorrow. As Jackson leans all the time, today I am leaning on the power or prayer and support. I pray for answers for Jackson, no matter what the answers are, just answers. I don't know what tomorrow holds for our future, but today I'm holding his hand  and tomorrow it's downhill to that finish line!

All my love and thanks for your continued support and prayers. I can never repay the support we have received, but just know from the bottom of my being, I am truely thankful.

EM

I love you Jackson and you will be great tomorrow monkey! Love, Mom